I just talked to a boy. His eyes seemed dim, as if saying hello was a heavy duty for him. I worry. Or more so, I felt alarmed. As if his soul was sinking and he didn't know how to lift it up. I should know that feeling. It is so difficult to be young and helpless. Later, his aunt told me that his mother who has long been suffering from mental illness is having a surgery. I didn't ask what surgery. "Will you be here for the summer?" She casually asked me. "If you are, I will drag him here with pleasure." " I'll make sure I'll share my schedule with you." I told her, and she smiled. What are we to make of this world? Should we stare at the digital screens and wonder about what we've never experienced? But what are words for? I place words in front of him, like cherries that I've just picked, hoping they'll give him joy. He takes a bite, whispers something in the air. "What? I cannot hear you." I whisper to him. ...
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My MAGA hat arrived. Who would have thought that one day, I would own a MAGA hat? I am not a Trump supporter, nor am I a conservative. But listening to Candace Owens has guided me to a place I never thought I would be: Compassion towards MAGA. I can listen to Tucker Carlson too. At least they are against the war. And we all feel very manipulated into thinking otherwise; that we need to spend our time fighting each other, to hate one another, to lose the common ground. But who is trying to control our reality? And why? I still have trouble imagining what they envision as our future. How unhappy could they be? I wonder. Because even with so much power, they cannot justify their existence without further violence: Eternally feeding their void with something they cannot own. What is behind all this? Fear? Perhaps they are so afraid of something that they feel the urge to destroy everything. As if life itself is too much a burden to handle. “How can one be happy?” ...
Not to be bitter in a world like this feels impossible. Watching the news makes me feel repulsed. Justice is lost in so many ways. How could they? And why? Greed? So many simple answers, but still yet we cannot find a solution. It's much easier to lose faith. Having a sensitive soul in a world like this can be torturous. But those who are used to being numb call this suffering "Weakness", and their numbness "Strength." I refuse to go numb, but I also refuse to feel helpless. I am careful enough to water myself and stay sensitive, careless enough to tune in some numbness to keep living. But I learned all that from others. Solitude would have pushed me over to the edge. Luckily, I am not alone in this boat. I have companions. Yesterday, I made some random newspaper, a fake news report about vegetables running in a race. I looked at the pictures carefully and decided who's the winner and ran the news in my head, typed out the article, interv...
How did America die? I wonder. I don’t wonder whether it is dead or not; I just wonder how it died. Did YouTube kill it? Or Elon Musk? Mark Zuckerberg or Jeff Bezos? Or maybe the "educated fleas" did it? Or did it die because of a backlash to the "Woke"? Did the Woke do it? Because they were so absurd, and denied simple facts as facts, that people got tired of it. and then what? Or was Donald Trump the final thread? But it was there all along, the thread that guided us to Trump. What thread? Misogyny. I should know, because I was writing a thesis before Trump was re-elected. It was before COVID-19, when everything seemed just fine—economically, at least. But watching polemicists such as Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson emerging was unsettling. And when Trump got elected, they both blamed it on woke feminists. So I guess, women should take accountability for the fall of men. Yes, feminism is not perfect; it’s not the absolute truth, yet. Feminists make mistakes as...
I bought an espresso maker. A few days ago, I made hand-dripped coffee from the beans I bought in Nezu but it didn't taste good. Figuring out how to make good coffee seemed like a long journey. But it wasn't. I just needed an espresso maker. And Voila, my kitchen turned into a fancy cafe. I also made pancakes, put strawberries and banana on top of it, and poured some maple syrup. Also made some salad, mixed yogurt and the southern island dressing I bought and never touched a month ago, because it was too sweet for my taste. Somehow by mixing it with yogurt, it tasted much better. "I'm a genius. Is there anything I cannot do? The word impossible is not in my dictionary." Suddenly, I started to grow a beard and became the mighty Napoleon. But then two boys retaliated immediately. " Boil water with your stomach." "Peal peanuts with your nostrils." I should always remain humble. They are my imaginary companion. Ever since t...
I spent a day cleaning up my room. I watch a movie then listen to music, and clean my messy room. Order is not my strength; chaos is. And I'm always trying to organize things in the order of what sticks. Now now, what do I gravitate towards? Walking step by step, not skipping a moment, staying tuned. The world is going mad! "And so, although the movie was depicting madness, come to think of it, this is reality. It's harder to depict sanity, isn't it?" I, the detective, keep on contemplating. "So the narcissists seem to want all the attention in the world. But why on earth is that important? I do not understand. I would rather have less attention, because I want to misbehave. I am Miss Behave. I can win the fucking contest. I can't do anything that requires scrutiny. I just cannot care enough. Like a kid trying to escape the gaze of the tedious teacher. " If she didn't see me, he wouldn't be able to lecture me with his boring nonsense....
Today, I had my haircut. After all, I noticed that someone had signed on my hair, like a dog peeing on the field that it has walked, marking his existence. "Please don't." I look at the mirror, see which part feels marked, and cut it off, rather sloppily.To think I paid 9000 yen for this haircut. I fill myself with rage. Not to him but to humanity. How can it be that no one understands that owning things and loving things are two completely different ideas. And then I think. "It's all because of gravity." Yes, gravity. That's the cause of most human errors. The feeling of wanting to belong and the fear of something escaping you. So the world invented gravity. For us to stay on the ground. Pulling our two pretty legs. Marking everything they own, leaving their signature everywhere. The only vice of water is gravity.’Gravity itself is a vice. It can’t be avoided. No wonder I was impressed by this line in the film "Blue is the warmes...