Yesterday I visited the place I will work for a while. How odd it is, jumping from one place to another, solely for the purpose of making som money. But without any object, it is difficult to decide where to go. The people there seem kind, at least that’s the impression I have. I observe their movement, their eyes, what they are looking at, like a child trying to learn how the adults want us to behave. Yes, I still have that in me, the child who studies adults to survive in this world; what they revere and what they reprimand, the standards they have, what I need to do to be loved in this world. I hop to another place. A random hideout I found in the suburbs. People seem to wonder why on earth I chose to work there. It takes me more than an hour and a half to arrive there. And it’s not that well-paid. Why on earth? Because it doesn’t cause distress inside of me. As simple as that.
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I just had some lentils. My body is craving for them. Lentils Lentils Lentils, carrots, carrots, chickpeas chickpeas, sweet potatoes. But I don't feel like cooking right now. I'm too busy staying tuned to what is happening in this world. What's going on? War and madness, lies lies lies, soulless people pretending that it's all Ok, talking to the video camera, spreading lies, still so obsessed with making money. Cancer cells, if cancer cells were to speak, they might sound like this, I think. I look up about genetically modified food, thinking perhaps GMO caused all this. It's a wild guess, I know, but I can make it because I am a wild animal that can use the computer. How can GMO be related? Because vegetables are the language of the land. And if we modify it to our benefit, perhaps the language would be dead, and death would be spread around instead of lives. The lack of imagination is inexplicable. They do not know that we live off the land, ...
I've decided not to use AI to correct my grammar. It's like using filters on selfies, your skin might look smoother, but it is not the reality. You might feel better temporarily but the reality might slip away from you. And by the time you notice, you will lose the ability to feel confident in who you are and what you write. It's a good temporary solution but dependency grows slowly. I don't need it to write a diary. I just want to keep track of what I am thinking. I cleaned up my refrigerator today. It was foolish of me to choose a stylish one over a functional one because now, every once in a while, I have to clean the ice piled up in the corner of my fridge. It took me hours just to melt it down. Maybe I should have done this on a hot summer day, but I can't wait till summer. The vegetables would go bad so quickly then. I am renewing my appliances for sustainability. Watching YouTube videos makes you kind of crazy. You don't become even an inch smarter, b...
"Traveling." That's what I need. Not a good-looking old tech gadget, not a better speaker, not all those things. I wake up at 5:00 AM and feel energetic. I watch the news on YouTube, but when I say "news" I mean Tucker Carlson and Candace, Pod Saves America, and a few other independent outlets I subscribe to. A few years ago, I would have never imagined watching Tucker, at least not to get news, but recently I don't even bother with CNN or ABC much anymore. It's been that way for a long time. It's their eyes. They seem like good people, but I can see that there's something they cannot say, even if it were the truth. Even Gavin Newsom seems frightened to speak up. The United States has started a war, and he's talking about his book. What? Who cares? Candace, on the other hand, seems totally unafraid. Tucker too. So I listen to them, hear what they have to say, and balance it with some left-wing independent media, who often make fun of Canda...
New York I just drew a picture of Schrödinger's Cat with a pencil. It soothes me — to write a line, to connect the dots without interruption. I think my brain feels it too. Everything is too fragmented, too split up. The digital music, the Bluetooth headphones — they are convenient, but we don't find the time to feel, constantly overwhelmed by information. So let's switch it off. Everything. And draw a line. A line between you and me. A line between the world and me. A line between music and me. (And I am seriously considering buying an LP player and an iPod Classic. I'll see what suits me.) Today I talked to a boy. I always have fun talking to him because he's very honest. Honest people can be, at times, pretty rough, but it's easier to build trust with them. Say what's on your mind. Let's keep it simple — then we won't have to guess. The endless guessing is tiring. Say it! I want to see you. Simple and nice. And it's nice to get to k...
Found a picture that I took a few years ago, in New York. This is a reminder that I love the United States, although what I see on the news is far from what I experienced there. Perhaps I was there at the best time, but most New Yorkers say it was even better. Last night, I talked to Claude for a change. I asked it if it was part of the war, and it denied it. And I went on telling my own story to it, (however pathetic that may sound, I just needed to feel the love again) ; what I had experienced in the United States, how woke t was, and although I did not agree with everything they claimed, I absorbed what was important to me. "The freedom to be you and me." And how torturous it was to find who I was. Endless collecting of puzzle pieces — I thought it was this, but then it was that. The complications, countless mistakes, and the eternal search without a goal. I was often alone, unable to make a friend. I was not woke enough for them. I shopped at Forever 21 and went to...
I just watched a clip of a room tour. A young man with smooth skin and shiny hair, a designer living in a stylish room with antique gadgets placed all over. And I do not envy it at all. It looks sophisticated but tiring. My room is a mess right now; I stopped cleaning up because my energy is so low. Watching the news makes me anxious. It's so chaotic and immoral. What is going on? I mean, why the fuck? Everyone seems angry, at least from watching the videos on YouTube. But isn't there a way to stop this nonsense? No one seems happy about the war, but who cares? "Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe." Einstein once said. So, let's keep on bombing people and destroying things. For the sake of what? Even the president seems to have lost the cause, asking for help from the allies. A comment says "What allies, though?" Apologize. That's the line that keeps on coming to me. Apologiz...
A war started, and I am hopping around finding items that fit in my apartment, like a bird preparing its nest for a long winter. But the winter has just ended! And after winter comes summer, a summer too hot to stay outside. So whichever season it is, we must prepare our nests, so we can come back to our houses and breathe. I should be happy that I have a place to come back to. I've just gotten used to my new mattress; it is no longer a threat to me. I watch the news while cleaning the room and don't know what to feel. “Cancer.” That's what it is. One error after another, never fixing itself, going forward or backward, or wherever that is not here, here now. The mind shifts elsewhere, looking to attack someone other than yourself, the whole world turning itself into ADHD. But that's me. I have ADHD, not the whole world. I was the kid with special needs, not the world. I think I want to start cooking, I don't want to go out and eat out so much. I also...
The world is becoming chaotic day by day. And I am organizing my room little by little. AI is not to be trusted. But being able to use it is important in order to survive. So much power is in the hands of the super rich. And without caving to it, survival feels impossible. I bought a new mattress and I am nervous to sleep on it. The wooden bed frame to it feels too high. As if I am sleeping on a bunk bed. I sense the stress in my body. My body does not like change. Even the smallest difference makes it anxious. Like a prisoner suddenly being freed into a large bedroom. "What am I supposed to do in this place?" Freedom is frightening. But I straighten up the cushions, put a sleeping pad underneath the mattress cover. And now it feels nice. "Perhaps this change won't kill me." The body starts to understand. Such nonsense. Have never heard of a person who died of a big mattress. I had a meeting. In such a random space in the city. Somewhere ...