I spent a day cleaning up my room. I watch a movie then listen to music, and clean my messy room. Order is not my strength; chaos is. And I'm always trying to organize things in the order of what sticks. Now now, what do I gravitate towards? Walking step by step, not skipping a moment, staying tuned. The world is going mad! "And so, although the movie was depicting madness, come to think of it, this is reality. It's harder to depict sanity, isn't it?" I, the detective, keep on contemplating. "So the narcissists seem to want all the attention in the world. But why on earth is that important? I do not understand. I would rather have less attention, because I want to misbehave. I am Miss Behave. I can win the fucking contest. I can't do anything that requires scrutiny. I just cannot care enough. Like a kid trying to escape the gaze of the tedious teacher. " If she didn't see me, he wouldn't be able to lecture me with his boring nonsense....
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Today, I had my haircut. After all, I noticed that someone had signed on my hair, like a dog peeing on the field that it has walked, marking his existence. "Please don't." I look at the mirror, see which part feels marked, and cut it off, rather sloppily.To think I paid 9000 yen for this haircut. I fill myself with rage. Not to him but to humanity. How can it be that no one understands that owning things and loving things are two completely different ideas. And then I think. "It's all because of gravity." Yes, gravity. That's the cause of most human errors. The feeling of wanting to belong and the fear of something escaping you. So the world invented gravity. For us to stay on the ground. Pulling our two pretty legs. Marking everything they own, leaving their signature everywhere. The only vice of water is gravity.’Gravity itself is a vice. It can’t be avoided. No wonder I was impressed by this line in the film "Blue is the warmes...
Passing by , passing by, every thing is passing by. I've watched a few music videos that Iran has made. I think they are wonderful. Even if they are made by AI. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. So many lost souls, and now AI has a better understanding of human soul. Look at all the Tech Billionaires, do they seem to have a human soul? "Iran is helping Americans fight for regime change." I wrote on the comment section. The music video showed compassion towards the ordinary Americans instead of vilifying them. "You are being used to fill in "their" ego. " And so many Americans, I bet, relate to that sentiment. I write on YouTube Videos because it helps me, it helps me understand my instinct. I want to know what words come to my mind before thought; my forethought, because it is easy to organize your thought and make it look nice if you take your time. I want to know my dirty secrets. My unvarnished truth. Unlike Descartes, I believe in ...
I started watching "Dying for Sex". It's been a long time since I've felt like watching a TV series. All I've been watching are YouTube videos about political affairs, and it was making me feel sick and powerless. Work is alright. I stopped expecting too much from others. Yesterday after work, I was talking to my sister on the phone and wound up in an area I usually do not go to. I withdrew some money from the ATM and went to an Indian restaurant nearby. Something was fishy about the place. The staff were outside greeting people, which felt more like a brothel than a restaurant. A man guided me upstairs to an old elevator with a silver door. He said something to me, which I do not remember. The restaurant was fine, with light pink walls and a large window facing the street. But everything on the menu felt a bit overpriced. The waiter asked if I wanted drinks, I said no. I was seated at the table and then a waiter brought me a glass of lassi. "It's on...
So many dead souls. Why? Because the soil is dying. What keeps the soil alive? Truth. But no one cares. It's all about winning, or power. And the powerful do not like truth, because truth is often inconvenient. Everyone is obsessed with learning a language, but they learn it to lie. Never to tell the truth. Keep on lying. To make money. To win the game. To climb up the social ladder. I shout from the bottom of the hierarchy. "But who the fuck cares." Once you're dead, you go back to the soil and then realize you have nothing to offer; Just lies you spat out to deceive the world and yourself. Death is eternity. Life is only in the now. And if you choose to lie now, you will never find truth. The lies you create accumulate in your body and soul, and it will take years to cleanse them. I should know, because I have spent over 20 years cleansing my soul. I stop expressing my feelings. Its not worth it. It's not worth the hassle. They won't notice...
I thought my new cassette player was broken. Pissed off, I called the electronic appliance store. No one picked up. A second try, still no one. I decided to go to the store on Sunday. I wanted to buy an electronic pot that could be used with a portable battery in case the power goes out someday. On the train to work I looked up some cassette players, trying to figure out which was my favorite. It felt like an endless chase, seeking perfection is exhausting. I usually never do, but for some reason -- perhaps as a way to escape the chaotic reality that we live in--- I am looking for a perfect piece of electronic appliance. At least I have control over that, although I cannot move an inch of politics. I joke around telling my friends that I am a YouTube commentator; meaning I make stupid comments on YouTube videos. It's my way of practicing placing words to my thoughts. I know it's a waste of time, but still feel the urge to. I like the invisibility, of not being anyone, of try...
What is happening? I mean, what has happened? Why so much confusion? I watch videos trying to grasp the reality. But it's like we don't live in it. Because we are constantly looking at the screen, not people. We are always listening to data, not hearing the voices. The US. government was criticized for treating the war like a video game, yet everyone is staring at the screen, staring at the camera, typing in their reality on the electric devices instead of -. Instead of what? What are we supposed to do when we know that somewhere, in a land far away where we do not know anyone, there are people suffering without any valid explanation from the government? And all we could do is, stay aloof or be super engaged, constantly looking at the screen and not in the world that surrounds us, slightly irritated by the seeming indifference to the state of the world. But what surrounds us will change, slowly and slowly. We cannot escape the repercussions, and we will feel it. I wan...
My hair is curling up. It's the man, he wants my hair to curl up like someone-who-does-not-care-about-how-she-looks. But why? Why does he want me not to care? "Because he doesn't want me to be conscious of how other men look at me" Jealousy? Perhaps. "You should not care." Reprimanding me, not to care. Who the fuck does he think he is ? "And nor should other men." "Because she's my property." FUCK YOU. All of this happening in my imagination. I am very imaginative. Delusional, you might say. I speak with a hallucination of a man, and I bark and bark and bark. "Wow she's the mad feminist." Yes, I am the EPITOME of the mad feminist. But you know what? The problem is that "I am SANE." How insane is that? I am talking through the vibration, through the air, through the living matter that one might call God. God, God, how do you talk to me? Am I the radio that catches your vibration and feels you, but only ...
I just got offline, I kept on watching videos about the news, trying to understand what I should be feeling; frustration, irritation, sadness and anger, not a hint of love left in this world. I turn on the radio, listen to people talking about the economy and work. I started reading Clarice Lispector again, I don't feel as moved as I used to in my twenties. Perhaps I evolved, or got duller? Whichever it is, I need to know, so I keep on turning the pages. I turn on Qobuz, a music streaming service that Chatgpt recommended me when I asked for a music streaming service with the best sound quality. I turn the plug into my all-in-one record/cd/cassette player, it sounded dull. "It's the filter." I think. "What filter?" I don't know, the soul is lost in translation. It happens all the time. Perhaps the people who are streaming the music do not know the true value of the songs. Just like the newer versions of translation of Clarice Lispector, however refi...