Last night, I watched Dogville by Lars von Trier. Mostly because I no longer had internet at home, and it happened to be downloaded on my tablet. And just like it spoke to me a few years ago, it spoke to me again, slightly differently, but still.
Ordinary people and gangsters, the humble and the rich, the privileged and the poor, good and evil, all their lines blur in the face of powerlessness. That quiet disdain toward those who have no power. Is it innate? I wonder.
I woke up today feeling a little dizzy, since I couldn’t sleep the night before.
The young boy still seems curious about me, texting to check in.
“What did you do yesterday?”
“I went to a museum.”
“Nice. I went to a bathhouse with a bunch of my guy friends. And worked out.”
“Bathhouse? You like bathhouses? You worked out? Impressive. Well, I want to lose weight too, so I ate ramen noodles last night.”
“I go sometimes. You’re contradicting yourself. But ramen at night tastes good.”
“But I added chicken on top, so I’m sure it turned into muscle, right?”
“That’s about right.”
Nothing sexual, though I know in the end, something has got to happen. At least on his sides. If there is a beginning, there must be an end. There are no means without an end. But I try to escape that reality. I want the means to be the end. He’s a toy poodle I met by chance, and I’m imagining this as a conversation with a puppy. And that’s all I want from him.
Then I headed to Ginza and bought some base makeup, just for a change. I haven’t cared about makeup for almost three years now. I was fine being whoever I was, a sleeping non-beauty, or an insomniac non-beauty. (And she needs no kisses to fall asleep, just three sleeping pills.)
It has been fun living outside the fairy tale. I don’t wish to live inside one. But I still want to tell a tale. So I started auditioning for myself, to cast me in the film I want to live. Choosing consciously which parts of reality I want to include.
Okay, puppy, come in for a moment, I’ll wear makeup for a while. I don't need elites in my circle because they require me to give compliments to them, which is exhausting.I keep taking pictures of the city like a spy, collecting moments no one else seems to care about. And voilà , my life begins again, the clock ticking toward the end. I am getting older, yet I am the youngest I will ever be for the rest of my life. And I decided to enjoy what I am now now at this moment.
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