I studied for two more hours today, sitting in a cafe, drinking clam chowder with a sandwich that tasted like airplane food—meaning pretty good. A man and a young girl were sitting right next to me, and I couldn't help overhearing their conversation. He was bragging about his high scores on standardized tests.

"It's not that difficult," he said. "You just have to know how to study. Don't think too much about the whys. Like, don't ask yourself why you're using an equation—just remember that you need to use it to solve the problem. That's where you start."

The girl listened and nodded, and I could feel her admiration for him. If I'd been sitting in her place, I would have told him to shut the fuck up. Don't ask why, just solve the problem. Like a machine. Program yourself not to ask questions, do what you're told, become a useful cog in society's machinery. Right?

I couldn't focus on studying—first, because I don't give a fuck about what I'm reading anyway, and second, because his condescending voice annoyed me. I glanced over at him, trying to see what he looked like. Handsome. Probably attended a prestigious university after studying for the test for a year. Fine. But how can someone be so absorbed in themselves without questioning their own value? Because he got a great score on a standardized test?

He went on: "I don't like spending time on meaningless things. You know, if you just hang out and drink, you gain nothing. I'd rather spend my time on something more useful."

Well, I'm planning to do exactly that tomorrow. After the long test I'm taking, I'm boarding a train to the suburbs, staying in a hotel with a friend, wandering around a town we don't really know, eating and drinking and being merry. We call it a nothing trip. We force ourselves to feel the joy in being nothing.

The girl next to him had beautiful long curly hair that looked so shiny and pretty. She seemed innocent, admiring this boy who succeeds at everything he challenges himself to do. Maybe that's normal. Maybe that's just ordinary. Maybe there's nothing to be alarmed about.

But I am. Alarmed.

As for the test today, I made several mistakes and it took longer than usual. Most were careless errors, but some felt intentionally designed to trap me. But why? That's on the test, not on me. Use language to be clear, never to muddy the water.