I wake up in the morning, too early, around 4:00 a.m. Alcohol isn’t good for my sleep; I know that. But sometimes I still need a way to blur my reality because I’m too alert. I need to alleviate the overwhelming sensation I feel over almost nothing.

Last night, I had a conversation with a boy. He went to a prestigious college, and works for a big trading company, constantly swamped with work, or so  he says.. He found me, and I called him back just to let him know where I was in life. As if he cared. I have this impulse to report the things that are happening, as if narrating them organizes my reality. I put things into words, and then I can let go of them as something of the past. 

I sensed that the boy grew more interested in getting to know me, perhaps because I sounded happy. People expect me to give away happiness, to share it freely, without noticing what lies beneath it. As if I had endless candies to give away, so you take one without thinking. But no I am not going to give you candy, Here,  I  offer you my suffering and pain, anxiety and anger all mixed up. It's chemistry, you never know how I will react to you. I can slap you in the face for admiring me.  And hug you for shattering my ego. You reap what you sow, and you can’t steal what you haven’t earned. You’ve got to learn how to feel joy without me. And believe me, whoever gives you endless candies do not love you. 

Yesterday, I had my hair cut. I took a photo beforehand, just in case he messed it up. That morning, while picking clothes out of my messy closet, I thought, I should look more like myself. I chose an unappealing gray sweater I’d bought at a thrift store. I looked exactly like myself, not an inch more.

And then, when he set his eyes on me, his eyes sparked with joy.

“Can you feel it? I’m here.”　

And sometimes that’s all you need to say. 

 Will the story progress? Maybe so, and maybe not, but whichever it is, I am happy to have made the decision to turn the pages because it is one heck of a funny book.