I was able to sleep until 7:00 a.m. for a change. That changes everything. Sleeping gives us energy, and without it we feel too drained to do anything.

I selfishly closed the stories, not caring too much about the people who were involved in them. My heart says no, and then there is nothing I can do. And yet strangely, I miss them. Particularly the boy who lives in the hip town in Tokyo, who sounded like he was drowning inside his fine apartment.

  Perhaps it was his vulnerability that impressed me. He was drinking after work every day to escape his reality, but sounded bubbly and happy, at least, in those moments. He carefully selected the food and drink that pleased him from the convenience store. I liked how he talked about food, it showed that he found comfort in eating. Not to satisfy is his greed, but to feel a hint of joy in his otherwise draining life. On the other hand, I was happy with just about anything — not selective at all, which made him laugh. Are you drinking that again?? "Yes!" I answered proudly. "Give me anything, and I will find a way to feel joy."  

We talked about work most of the time. He sensed my humor, giggled like a little girl, “Hey, seriously, let’s go grab something to eat sometime soon.” He said rather impulsively, but I knew he meant it. He yearned for the girl, a short girl with hair touching her shoulders, voluptuous but not fat, silent but passionate, humbly living her life satisfied with the smallest things in life, diligent but sensual, unpredictable, but not too crazy. And I’m not that girl at all. 

“She’s different.” I mean, I get that a lot. Probably because I am. But I am far from the image of the girl, I'm just observant, and I know what not to say, not because I am kind but because my words will kill people. My silence is like stomach acid, waiting to end life without a warning. 

And I keep on whispering, “But that’s not love, can’t you notice?”

How do I know? Well, that's one thing I am not quite sure of.  

Pretty girls and pretty boys are captured inside a black box and they are performing in our house rent free. "Don't you want to be us? I know you do."  Everyone wants to be part of it. Its like a Circus, we feel value in being seen, but seen what? The perfect thin layer of your skin?